Hearts and Lighthouses
“Broken hearted often leads to broken open. And broken open is the perfect environment for finding out who you are and why you’re here. Break and grow.” – Michele Woodward
As you read this, I am on vacation with my dear sister-friend Marika, exploring the lighthouses along the western shore of Lake Michigan.
It’s a special trip, really. Not just because we will be staying with new friends along the way, but because, four years ago, we were exploring the eastern shore of this same big lake, climbing up the hundred steps of the towering lighthouses, and I was struggling to breathe. My inhaler did little to calm the constant coughing and I tired so easily.
Two weeks after we returned from that trip, I had emergency open heart surgery to remove a myxoma, a rare benign tumor that was almost completely blocking my left atrium.
A client recently asked me if I experienced a white light epiphany during the surgery, if that was when I decided to change how I lived my life.
The answer is no.
It was everything that happened after the surgery that got me started on the path of this new way of being.
When you are recovering from open heart surgery you can’t busy yourself with too much doing or distract yourself with a lot of meaningless activities or mindless chatter.
When you are recovering, at first, all you can do is sit. And breathe. And even THAT is so painful. Maybe it was that painfulness that made me so aware of my breathing. It kept me in the present moment.
I wasn’t interested in TV. I didn’t have the concentration to read or watch a movie. Everything in my world slowed down. And I rejoiced in the simplest of things, like being able to open the refrigerator, walk a full circle around the pool, reach the shower massage so that I could take a shower by myself.
Friends called and came to visit. My parents brought me my favorite foods. I was so utterly aware of the love and support in my life.
And, while I never thought I would die in the surgery, it suddenly struck me that I could have died climbing those lighthouses. The tumor could have easily broken off and caused a fatal stroke.
And so, in the weeks and months that followed, as I regained my physical strength, I began to take a close look at how I was living my life. I started asking myself what did I really want to do, what did I want most in my life, and how could I best give back.
Slowing down to notice and appreciate these kinds of things is what brings us back to what matters, what’s important.
Slowing down creates the space for us to begin to ask the deeper questions.
This is what I teach and share in the groups that I lead.
We have to begin with slowing down, getting quiet. And breathing.
We have to learn how to listen inside, to appreciate the simpler things, to trust ourselves enough to ask the bigger questions.
Only then we will be ready to hear the answers.
If you are ready to slow down, get quiet and go deep, join me for a magical women’s retreat weekend. Surrounded by the healing red rocks of Sedona, we will leave the noise and busyness of daily life behind and explore what really matters to your own heart.
[ssba]Never Assume
In an episode of the original Odd Couple on TV, Felix, the neat one, is in court, defending himself after being arrested for scalping tickets. As he interrogates a witness, he writes the word ASSUME on the court’s blackboard, circling the letters as he proclaims, “Never assume. Because when you ASSUME, it makes an ASS out of U and ME.”
Assumptions often hold us back. We think we already know the answer, the outcome, how the story is going to end, and so we don’t even try.
A client wanted to build an addition on her house. When I asked her what was stopping her, she said she couldn’t afford it. I asked her how much it was going to cost and she said she didn’t know.
She had just ASSUMED it was out of her budget.
It turns out that she COULD afford it and now, three years later, she loves her new living room addition.
As many of you know, I am planning to move to Morro Bay, CA in the spring. In the back of my head, and from several of my friends, I keep hearing that everything is more expensive in California than in Phoenix.
Today I called my car insurance to start getting a handle on how MUCH more. It turns out that my six month insurance policy will cost 35% LESS than I am paying now, living in a big city.
So, don’t let your assumptions hold you back from action.
Do the research.
Ask the questions.
Avoid making an ASS out of U and ME.
| click the image to watch the entire ASSUME scene |
When have your assumptions prevented YOU from doing something? I’d love to hear your story. Click on the Comments to share.
[ssba]What We Get When We Give
We’ve all heard that it is better to give than to receive.
Giving and doing for others is the fastest way to get out of depression and woe is me. The selfless act of doing something for another human being or animal or nature or cause can fill the heart with pure wonderfulness.
And the best part is, we think we are only giving and often, what we receive in return is even bigger.
Last week I had the honor and privilege of facilitating a workshop at the local senior community center that my Dad enjoys. My mother used to love going to the center for the activities, the people, the sense of community.
I wanted my workshop to honor my mother and her time at the center and so I shared some of the tools and practices that helped her maintain a positive attitude, despite her health challenges, age and circumstances.
I invited the attendees to draw a big heart on their papers and write inside of it all the things they love. Then each person stood up and read their list out loud, filling the room with so much positive energy.
We talked about how, when we choose to focus on the things that bring us joy, our bodies don’t ache as much, we forget about the negativity in the world and we don’t feel so alone.
We talked about paying attention to what makes us happy and living with an attitude of gratitude. Then went around the room, sharing something we are each grateful for.
We talked about how good it feels to be able to do something for someone else. And even though we would sometimes rather be able to do something ourselves, letting someone do something for us is a wonderful gift that we can give another person.
It was a real pleasure to work with these brave, wise folks. We had a lot of laughs and we all learned something about living from the heart.
But more than that, it was such a gift to be with people who knew my mother, who came up to me and shared a memory of her, of how much they liked her and admired her and missed her.
I was surprised by the experience. Standing in the middle of the room that was filled with everyone else’s gratitude and love, my own heart was truly overflowing with gratitude and all that I had given and more: it was filled with all that I had received.
How do you give?
Do you take care of someone in your family?
Do you belong to a committee?
Do you tithe a portion of your earnings?
Do you donate money to a favorite charity?
Do you volunteer your time and special gifts?
I’d love to hear how you give back. Please share your story with me and my readers on the blog at www.sparktheheart.com
[ssba]The Hardest Thing to Do Is Doing Nothing
- “Beautifully Balanced” by Deborah South-McEvoy
We’ve all been there. You hear a great motivational speaker or attend an uplifting event or read some inspiring article and a million new ideas swirl around your head and you can’t wait to take some action.
In fact you’re so ready to do it all that you don’t know where to begin and maybe you attempt several things at once or you are overwhelmed with all of the choices and you do nothing at all.
But doing nothing can actually be a good strategy. By not immediately rushing forward, you are allowing all of the stirred up possibilities to sift down to the single most appropriate action.
Several weeks ago I attending a very inspiring week-long workshop all about movement and improvisation. All of the pins were firing in my head during the classes and I was so excited about all of the new ways I was playing and expressing myself creatively. I couldn’t wait to come home and write about it, dance about it, share what I was learning with my friends and clients.
And then I got vertigo. Room spinning, light headed, dizzy dancing vertigo.
And all I could do was sit still and not think at all. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t dance. My head was an empty vacuum and I struggled to express a single coherent thought.
And I realized I had probably shaken up all kinds of things with all of my moving. I had tapped into so new ways for my brain to think and express my thoughts that I had hit overload.
And my body was telling me I needed to stop. Slow down. Be still. And wait.
Once I gave in to the stillness, the vertigo lessened. The pressure was off to take immediate action. I rested. I meditated. I allowed everything to just sift down into my being, trusting that, when the time was right, I’d be ready and able to share what I’d experienced.
There is no shame in doing nothing when it’s what you’re body is needing. In fact, it’s the greatest gift you can give yourself, to listen to what you need and honor yourself with it.
How do you do nothing? Please share your story with me and my readers by clicking on the Comments below.
[ssba]The Body Connection
I know me. If I don’t find enjoyment in doing something, I’m not going to follow through. If I don’t have a deep motivation for WHY I am doing something, I won’t stay with it.
Some people are able to go the gym every morning, even when they don’t feel like it, because it’s “what they do.” This doesn’t work for me. I am highly self-motivated and disciplined, but if I don’t WANT to do something, it’s not going to happen.
And so it’s been a challenge to find ways to connect with my physical body.
I don’t mean just exercising, working out, lifting weights and losing weight, I mean really connecting with my body.
I know that, as in touch as I am with my heart and my thoughts, until I am just as connected with my physical body, the big shifts that I desire can’t happen.
And so, many weeks ago I set an intention to find new ways to connect in my body.
Without a clear idea of what that would look like, I opened up to possibilities. I’ve been able to schedule in a second yoga class some weeks. I attended a friend’s Creative Movement class where we expressed emotions with our bodies. As hard as it was to move and breathe, it felt true, right, and I remembered how I used to move in my own living room years ago, dancing out the grief that I couldn’t express in my journal. And it was dancing that slimmed my waistline and taught me balance and flexibility and re-awakened my sexuality.
Moving to wordless rhythms, the beat of drums, called me back into myself and I knew that this kind of moving is my way back into my body.
Within two days of that class, an invitation arrived in my inbox to attend a workshop with Nina Wise in Big Sur. I was excited beyond myself.
I have been wanting to work with her and her practice of Motion Theater ever since I bought her book A Big, New, Free, Happy, Unusual Life in 2003. But schedules, circumstances and old beliefs prevented me.
Until now.
In so many ways, this was a dream come true. The funny part is, when I first received the email, I actually heard myself say, “Let me think about it.” Then I heard myself answer “Really? You know you want this. What is there to think about?”
And so, last week, I traveled to a most beautiful place on the California coast, immersed in a workshop that was all about connecting in my body and expressing without thinking. I combined sounds with movement to express what words cannot reveal, moving deep into my cells where memories reside, shaking them loose, releasing the old stories into new ones that I can joyfully dance into.
I’m sure that this is where my work is. I know that this is how I can best connect with my physical body. Dancing. Moving. Exploring and expressing where even words cannot go.
And I’m excited for all the ways that I will bring my body back to myself. And how I will choose to share it all with you.
How do you connect with your physical body? I’d love for you to share by clicking the comments below.
[ssba]The Power of Community
I believe there is great power in working with others. Sharing ourselves with people we trust and respect helps us see many more possibilities and options than we can imagine in our own minds.
I live with myself and my dogs and am self-employed and so I know, first-hand, how important it is to step outside of my solitary comfort zones and seek the wisdom and companionship of others.
As humans, we need contact and connection with other people. But what I’m learning is that basic contact isn’t enough.
Several of my Living Room Ladies joined the circle to meet like-minded women. One of them has little social contact outside of her family. Another works with with a group of colleagues but realizes that this is not real connection. A third has many women friends but their conversations and interactions are somewhat superficial and safe. “I could never talk about this stuff with them,” she shared in one of our groups.
If we are really honest with ourselves, we crave intimacy, really talking with a person and connecting at a deeper heart level. We want to be heard and understood and we want to be supported when we share our wildest dreams and deepest fears.
Where do you find this connection in your own life?
There is a difference between going to a gym and working out in the same room with 20 other people doing their own thing and joining a yoga or dance studio where the same people show up to the same class each week. Moving and stretching together creates an energetic connection. The class becomes your community.
Gathering with a group of like-minded people to hike or paint or whatever it is that you love to do creates connection. Daring to share beyond the surface conversations creates trust and camaraderie. Real friendships begin to form.
You are no longer just one person in a vast and lonely world. You are part of something bigger and real and this is the power of community.
I’d love to hear your comments. Please share them with me and my readers by clicking on the Comments below.
If you’re ready to step into community, check out the Virtual Living Room Ladies Creative Coaching Circle that I’m facilitating. Click here for all the details.
[ssba]Mom’s the Word
As many of you know, my mom passed away last June.
With Mother’s Day and her birthday coming up this month, I am, of course, filled with all kinds of emotions–sadness and loss, naturally. But also great gratitude and love.
The theme for this year’s Mother’s Day Hallmark commercial is “Celebrating all that our moms have given us.” And so I am actually looking forward to these special occasions because they are another opportunity for me to honor and remember my mom, and to say thank you.
Growing up, I was at constant war with my mother. I challenged her, aggravated her, even ran away from home twice. We were very different and she just didn’t know how to handle me.
But over the years we worked hard to find ways to better communicate, forgive each other and create a new relationship based on respect and love. Really.
My mother taught me, by example, how important friendship is. That everyone learns differently. That kindness is more important than anything. She told me I was smart. Bright. And she encouraged me to be my best, most creative self.
We took vacations together, played Scrabble every Sunday and shared eggrolls at our favorite Chinese restaurant. And last year, when she was in the hospital, choking on her own breath, I was there, holding her hand, helping her let go.
Not everyone has a wonderful relationship with their mother. Not everyone is even in contact with their mom. You may not see eye to eye, or share things heart to heart, but we each have a connection with our mother.
Like her or not, your mother gave you your precious life.
And, if there is nothing else, this is the thing to be grateful for.
Can you make a list of everything your Mom has given you?
Can you share it with her, even if she is no longer with you?
Can you find it in your heart to say Thank You?
I’d love to hear your mom stories. Please share them with me and my readers by clicking on the Comments button below.
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Journal of a Retreat Leader
Earlier this month I facilitated a powerful and intimate retreat in Sedona. Each woman arrived with some expectations and pre-conceived ideas of what might happen.
Throughout the weekend there were many opportunities to express and release the known and open to the unknown, creating space for new possibilities.
As each woman let go and opened up, she discovered something about herself that surprised her, excited her, inspired her.
When we create space for the unexpected, it’s amazing what we begin to notice about ourselves and our lives.
There were many invitations during the weekend to write, to use language to explore, express and make connections. Following are excerpts from my own journal writing during the retreat weekend.
“…there is so much space and room and vistas and comforts and amenities and grace and the grounds are lush and tended and tendered. I follow the sound of water, down an easy step-stoned path, across big, solid-footed boulders that lead to the creek where I stand.
To the left, the creek is barely a trickle, low water, almost stagnant, so much rusted rock exposed, the past. To the right, a larger body full of algae, of growing, of gathering, of gaining momentum. And beyond, the rush of living water, white capped, clear, moving, flowing, breathing water.
Between these two waters under the very rock I stand on is a metal pipe that connects these two bodies of water.
And I stand on this rock of NOW and this is where I am and this is how I move and this is why I am here.”
…..
“I walk to the edge of the rushing water, to the whole of the creek and open my heart, to this place, to this offering for the weekend, that each of us finds stillness and peace, and that in the stillness, we hear our heartbeat, we feel our life open, we realize what we have held too tightly, in fear, in comfort, in habit. And we open to what lies deeper, bigger, truer, waiting, ready to shine.”
….
“…the difference between a conductor and a conduit: A conductor controls. Orchestrates. Everyone must follow her lead. A conduit is an open channel, flowing the energy, serving, connecting, facilitating. A conduit is an integral component, yet no more or less important that the energy, the source, the flow itself.”
…..
“…What I am learning, what I am teaching, is that, when you let go of the need to control, the magic happens. And that’s when our hearts fill up and overflow. Sure, I had a “plan” for the weekend, but really, it’s just a guide. The women show up and I follow the energy of the group, of each retreater. And, by letting go of what I think SHOULD happen, space opens up for what NEEDS to happen.
And when it is really working, I am no longer the leader. I have become the conduit and each person moves the group forward, points to something for us to notice, shares something that we can each relate to. The group now holds and grows itself…”
If you’d like to be a part of the next Spark Your Heart, Ignite Your Life! retreat, save the dates: October 14-16, 2011. Stay tuned for details.
[ssba]How to Accomplish Anything: Moving in the Direction of Z
photo by Bud Cruger
Often, a client comes to me wanting immediate change in some aspect of her life. Maybe it’s a new job, or a way to have more balance between work and play. Maybe it is about making new friends and being more socially connected.
Change takes time.
Change happens one step at a time. Sometimes it is a small step. Sometimes it is a huge leap. But the path from here to there is never one single step.
If you can think of achieving your goal not as one big action but as a series of steps, it becomes more manageable, more possible, more do-able.
I like to think of the process in terms of the alphabet, taking each step one letter at a time.
TRY THIS:
Imagine the alphabet as a series of stepping stones on a long, winding path.
Imagine you are standing on stepping stone A. Your vision of your dream is far off on stepping stone Z.
There is no possible way that you can jump from where you are to where you want to be in a single step. There are 24 letters in between.
So the only thing you can do is take one step at a time.
When you are standing on stepping stone A, you can only think about how to get to stepping stone B.
Then, when you are on B, you will know how to get to C. And so on.
By the time you are on stepping stone X, Z will be so much clearer and reachable. You will know how to get there.
So ask yourself,
What is your ultimate goal? Your stepping stone Z?
Where are you right now? What is your stepping stone A?
And what is your next step from where you are right now to take you in the direction of Z?
Maybe your dream vision, Z, is that you are a successful author and you travel around the country meeting people, giving workshops and readings and book signings.
Standing at A, you have an idea of what the book is about. You can envision yourself at Z, sitting at a table in a large bookstore, signing books and talking with your readers.
You know that somewhere around letter M you will need to publish the book but you have no idea how to do this or how much it’s going to cost. You know that between M and Z you’ll have to market your book so that people will invite you for the lectures and signing but you don’t know the first thing about marketing.
But that is not your focus right now. Because you are standing at A and your book is still just an idea.
Instead of panicking about all that you don’t know, come back to where you are right now and ask yourself,
What is your next immediate step?
If standing on Step A is wanting to write a book, then your Step B is to write.
Maybe it’s not even to write your book, but to just write. To get into the practice of writing every day, opening to your creative energies, creating the space for your ideas to meet the white page. Maybe your step B is to simply reconnect with the art and passion of writing.
Sometimes we may stand on a step for a while until the next step becomes clear. Other times one step leads to a hop and a skip to the next.
It all comes back to being in the present moment, standing where you are, and paying attention to everything right here, right now.
And asking yourself, again and again, what is my next immediate step?
Please share your thoughts and your big Z dreams, on my blog by clicking here.
[ssba]Finding Your Soft Edge–It’s Time For An Adventure
Spring is in the air.
You can see the buds peeking out on the trees. You can feel the air getting a little warmer. And the days are staying lighter longer.
Spring is a time of action, rebirth and re-commitment. It’s a time to come alive again.
Today’s article offers you a fun way to greet the coming season.
In yoga, students are encouraged to find their soft edge–to stretch deep enough where you feel the stretch but do not feel pain. It is at this edge where the muscles release and then you can breathe in and stretch just a little bit further.
This week I invite you to go on an ADVENTURE DAY. Choose something that challenges you, that takes you to your own soft edge.
It could be something that you’ve always wanted to do but were a little too scared, or something you never considered doing by yourself.
Maybe you’ll go a movie by yourself, or take yourself out for a lovely meal. Maybe you’ll sign up for a class you’ve always dreamed of taking or go on a solo road trip.
It should NOT cause you harm or put you in danger.
I love going to ethnic supermarkets. They are full of new smells, foods I’m not familiar with, beautiful packaging and unusual non-edible items. And the sounds of people speaking in their native tongue is fascinating.
I love perusing the produce section for something I’ve never seen before and buying it, just to taste it.
Moving BEYOND what is comfortable and safe is where real growth can happen.
Where will you take yourself?
While you are on your adventure, notice:
What tickles your fancy?
What makes you stop and go back for a second look?
What do you see that you’ve never seen before?
How does it feel to do this thing by yourself?
I’d love to hear about your adventures. Please share them by clicking on the Comments below.
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