How To Avoid Something And Still Get It Done
We all avoid something.
Going through that stack of mail. Making an appointment with the dentist. Getting on our bikes and riding around the block.
My biggest avoiding is Getting New Glasses. Big capital letters kind of avoiding. Just the thought of it makes me want to run and hide.
I’ve been wearing glasses since I was four and every single time I get fitted, it’s a struggle. My eyes are so sensitive to even the slightest bit of crooked or discomfort that I usually end up in frustrated tears because the glasses are too close, too far, too high, too low, too tight, too loose.
I have tried affirmations – this will be easy, effortless and a good fit.
I have breathed and meditated and visualized a successful fitting.
But so far, it hasn’t worked.
And so I’ve avoided Getting New Glasses for three and a half years and I really can’t put it off much longer. My neck and shoulders are sore from using my bifocals to see the computer screen, the scratches on my lenses make distance reading a challenge and I can no longer read the tiny print.
But before I can even begin the process, I have to know the reason I am doing this uncomfortable, challenging thing.
I remember what it’s like when I finally have a new prescription and a good fit – how crisp and clear and beautiful everything looks. And I know I am very ready to see my world like this.
And when I remember that life is lived here, in this small present moment, I remember to breathe. And in that space I realize that Getting New Glasses is no longer this One Big Thing that I have to avoid.
It is really a series of small, present moment actions. Baby steps. And slowly, willingly, I am able to break it down into small, do-able action steps:
getting my eyes checked for a new prescription
finding frames that I love
getting measured
getting fitted
getting the fit tweaked and fine tuned
as many times as that takes
When I break it down into small, manageable, do-able actions, I bring myself closer to the outcome I want, which is SEEING CLEARLY!
And each time I complete one small step, I reward myself, either with a delicious dinner out or today, after my eye exam, a new pair of socks.
And I know that, if I breathe before each task, and breathe between each step, I will have the courage and energy to move forward to the next small step.
And before I know it, I will be seeing clearly again!
So,
What are you avoiding?
What story is associated with this thing? Is it true?
Why are you doing it in the first place?
How might you feel once you are on the other side of it?
What can you do to make it less traumatic, maybe even fun?
Can you break this Big Thing into small, do-able action steps?
How will you reward yourself for each step you take?
What is the first small action you can take to begin?
I’d love to hear how you use these questions to get it done! Please share by clicking on the Comments below.
The Wisdoms of Cupcake Laurie Foley
My friend Laurie is dying. While I have lost two childhood friends to cancer, Laurie is the first friend who I have walked the path with, even if it has been mostly virtually.
I met Laurie Foley online in 2012 through a network of Martha Beck coaches. She was a branding expert with a very smart blog that helped me see new possibilities for marketing my business. When she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, she shifted her writing to the journey she was living.
In October 2013 I met Laurie in person at Patti Digh’s Life is a Verb camp. Laurie had just finished a year of surgeries, radiation and chemo and Patti had invited her to speak about The Courage to Be Mortal.
I saw Laurie at the Friday night Welcome Party, standing near the skewered shrimps and mini quiches. She was much taller than I expected and her hair was a stunning spiking gray. She walked toward me, offering a hug. I said, “Wait, this is special.” I took a big breath in then out, and then we hugged, full on and tight, like we’d know each other for years.
The next day Laurie shared her story. Click on her photo to hear her wisdoms about our power to transform the energy of terror into commitment, and entitlement into hope.
Laurie continued to live and share her journey online through another series of treatments and complications and finally, remission.
She wrote a month of meditations, her personal experiment in returning to simple prayer. She posted photos of her latest knitting projects, often a much-coveted pair of multicolored socks, and videos of her son Arthur’s yoyo competitions. She was excited that she was going to be there for his high school graduation. And that he was going to her Alma Mater, Georgia Tech, where she was the first woman to receive a PhD in computer science.
And then the cancer came back.
When I was in Atlanta last May on my Heart Sparks Road Tour, Cupcake Laurie, my new nickname for her, drove up to my campsite for a visit. It had been a few weeks since she finished her last round of chemo and she was feeling better than she had in months.
She sat at the dinette with Cody at her feet and we talked about Arthur, and Georgia Tech and the best place to get bagels. She was full of questions about how the RV plumbing worked, and the solar panels and all about my life on the road.
When I offered her a Little Debbie Nutty Bar from the freezer, she grinned like a five year old. “Oh wow,” she said. “My grandmother used to give us those as a special treat. I haven’t had one in years.” We split a package and it was as good as she remembered.
We sat down for lunch at her favorite Mexican restaurant and I realized that I hadn’t been trying to impress her, or coach her, or get her to like me. We were just two smart, funny women, talking and laughing and wondering about life out loud, together.
I said, “You know, I thought you were just being nice, coming to visit me. But you really like me, don’t you?”
“Oh my God,” she said, her soft southern voice sounded like she was talking in bold type. “Are you kidding?”
After lunch we checked in about her energy level and she was still feeling good, and she wanted to go to the used bookstore. She found a thick historical novel and I got a couple of Lillian Braun’s The Cat Whos. We got gas and an iced tea and she still had enough stamina to take us to the Dekalb Market, a warehouse exploding with fresh produce, meats, cheeses, teas, spices and even a bakery. After she gave me a quick lay of the store, we agreed to split up with our own carts to quick shop, and meet at the coffee bar before checking out.
It was so very fun to pass her near the lemons, again by the bread and again at the day-old cakes. And each time, I’d say, “Why, Laurie, how nice to see YOU here!” And I’d give her a big, good to see you hug.
I sent her a postcard from the road, made from a Little Debbie Nutty Bar box, with the words “living life one sweet bite at a time” typed on a section of index card and glued across the front. I hope it made her grin.
Last fall, remission turned into a fractured hip and more cancer. Laurie met it aggressively, hopefully, and she continued to post her cancer haiku’s and CaringBridge updates on Facebook. In December, her sister took over the updates.
Laurie entered hospice last week. The pouring out of love and grief on Facebook has been nothing less than holy. People from all over the world are posting photos of Laurie, sending prayers and love and thank you’s.
And I am allowing myself to cry and feel the collective sadness, the collective love, the swirl of giant love energy that I am called into whenever I think of her.
Laurie has always been a generous woman, connecting others, mentoring, always leading with love. Even now, through this transition, she has opened up a space for us to feel and share our sadness and loss and love for her and her family, and we are all following and liking and reading and sharing and saying I love you in our own ways.
For me it is by telling my Cupcake Laurie stories. Just the few I have, but they are full and rich and tender. And they connect me right back to her and the giant swirl of love.
“I hope that you’ll remember whatever really raw ingredients life may bring your way, you have the power to choose and transform them into something sweet, into something loving, and profoundly hopeful.”
~ LAURIE FOLEY
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What Are You Listening To?
I’ve been thinking lately about what seemingly subliminal messages we expose ourselves to every day, with TV commercials, billboards, extraneous conversations.
And what about what we consciously CHOOSE to listen to?
So what are you listening to? What’s playing in your iPod today? On your car radio?
Do you listen to the lyrics? Do you sing along?
Are you singing about power and beauty, and meeting your vulnerability head on? Or are you singing about how the world owes you or that someone did done you wrong?
Giving voice to words is a powerful thing. Even if it’s “just singing with the radio,” your words are impacting you on a subconscious level.
So why not chose to sing what you want to believe, what you want to come into your life, what you want to be and feel?
Many years ago I bought a cassette tape with all kinds of original songs about the cartoon character Gumby. Remember him? That rubbery green fellow with a bump on his head and his orange pony pal named Pokey? Well, last week I got one of the songs from the cassette stuck in my head. But I could only remember one line:
“…Be humble and respectable, above all, just be flexible..” Great words to live by, I thought. And then I wanted to know the rest of the words.
So I found the CD on Amazon. And now I am singing loud and proud,
“We all are Gumby.
We want the world to be so happy
So when you’re down and feeling crummy
Think of Gumby
Be humble and respectable, above all, just be flexible.”
–from “We All Are Gumby”, by Flo and Eddie
Here’s a link to hear the song--maybe you’ll want to sing along, too!
I’d love to hear your comments. Just click on the Comments button to add your own.
[ssba]Just a Dog Walk
On a recent coaching call, we were talking about the times and places in our lives where we could literally pay more attention, slow down, be more present.
One woman said that, often, when she’s walking her dogs, she’s doing it out of obligation and she just wants to get it done. She suggested she could slow down and enjoy the walk as much as they do.
After the call, Cody and I took our own walk around the neighborhood. I tried to keep him close, with the retractable leash locked at 6 feet so that he wouldn’t explore every neighbor’s lawn, but we are used to the full length of the lead, out in open spaces, so that we can walk at our own paces, stopping for each other as necessary, with minimal tugging.
This tight leash walking was new to both of us and there was too much tension on the leash for either of us to enjoy the walk. I wasn’t prepared for a training session, so I unlocked the line and we quickly settled into a comfortable pace.
My shoulders relaxed, my mind let go of trying to control the walk, and I starting thinking about the coaching call, which prompted me to consider how I could be present on this walk.
Cody was sniffing the oleanders along the alley next to the retired professor’s house, so I shifted my focus to just standing in my feet, and I immediately felt the need to stretch my arms up over my head. And then I saw the moon – shiny white, an almost full face, dangling in the sky over the downtown buildings. And I was so glad to be outside, in the not-too-cold evening air, walking with my wonderful dog.
Every time Cody stopped to sniff, I stopped too. I looked into the trees and the neighbors’ windows. I stood tall in Tadasana. I tried to find a star in the big city sky.
I smelled the sticky sap from the just cut branches of a very tall pine tree. I said hello to the man who was loading boxes into the back of his blue pickup truck.
I wasn’t thinking about my morning client, or the new floors for the house, or where we might go camping for Valentine’s Day. I was in my body, in my neighborhood, simply and fully enjoying an evening walk with my dog.
We didn’t walk far, just over to 10th Street, through the park and then home. But I was there for the whole thing. And I can’t wait to do it again.
We don’t have to sit on a meditation cushion in order to practice presence and letting go of our thoughts. Wherever we are, whatever we are doing, we can breathe ourselves into the present moment and simply notice what else there is.
[ssba]Embracing the Idle Times
“Beautifully Balanced” by Deborah South-McEvoy
There is such a push in this society to always be doing more, staying busy, increasing sales, growing your lists….. and it can be exhausting.
But if we slow down or take a break, we’re called lazy or unproductive.
Finding a balance between doing and being takes constant practice. Some days I do it much better than others. And sometimes I end up off the spectrum, thinking I’ll never find that balance again.
I know that I’m idling. I know why I am idling. I even know what I need to do to kick it into drive. But until I’m able to take that action, I’m being kind and gentle with myself, and breathing.
And so last week, I returned to my beloved yoga class, to familiar faces, to the clean bamboo floors, the silver air ducts, the ceilings hidden behind sheets of white linings that make me think of long spools of white butcher paper.
And after hugs and quick updates, I rolled out my mat, perfectly aligned it with the edge of the floor boards, then I got a blanket and two prop blocks, in case we did lunges.
I folded the wool blanket in half and covered the top two-thirds of my mat, and then I took my place at the uncovered edge, welcoming myself back to my mat. I breathed, eyes closed, folded forward and easily brushed my fingertips on the floor, then stood up with a deep inhale, bringing my hands in prayer position in front of my heart.
And then I laid down on my mat, with a bolster under my knees and I just noticed: the support of the floor, the buzz in the room, how my feet dangled inches above my mat.
And when I sat up on my bolster for the opening round of ohms, I was surprised that there was no resistance at all in either of my hips.
Because I HAVE been moving, and stretching and even doing yoga poses at picnic tables and at campsites.
What I most loved about my practice that day was how I got things moving on the INSIDE. Connecting with my breath, my spine, lifting, dropping, opening my heart, feeling the expansiveness of energy inside my body that makes it possible for me to be expansive on the outside!
No, there doesn’t seem to be much movement in my life on the outside right now, and that is because my insides have been stuck, slowed, recovering from all of the growth and movement of this past year on the road.
And I know I can’t rush things into action. But I can be gentle and forgiving and aware, and open to the changes I am beginning to remember that I want to manifest.
It’s that fallow time in the fields, when the earth is resting, renewing, readying for new seeds that will bloom in the spring. There is nothing to rush, nothing to do, but open my heart and breathe.
[ssba]Un-Limiting Your Beliefs
When I was in my 20’s I imagined that I would be the next Great American Writer. I sat at my portable electric Royal typewriter every day, inventing stories about people, documenting my observations, journaling ideas for my first great novel.
One afternoon a friend said to me, “Why do you bother? There are no new ideas. Everything’s already been said.”
Now, she was an important person in my life, and very smart–– her IQ was high enough to join the Mensa Society–– and so I believed her.
And I stopped writing.
Twenty years later I took a deep breath and signed up for a creative writing class with an amazing teacher who encouraged my writing, challenged my skills and inspired me to write deeper and better.
One day in class she said, “There are no new ideas.”
My heart sank to my knees. No, not again. And then she finished her sentence.
“And so it’s your job as a writer to come up with new ways to say things so that people can see it fresh. New.”
There was such freedom in hearing a new twist on a belief that had limited me for so long.
Her words gave me the permission to pursue this thing that I love so much. More important, I believed in my writing again.
Another huge limiting belief I had was that, in order to be an author, I had to fly to bookstores all over the country at a break-neck pace to promote it. Once I realized I could do a book tour on my own terms, I was able to allow myself the joys of writing and publishing my first book, and going on an amazing solo cross-country road trip in my RV.
What beliefs do you have that may be holding you back?
Do you think only “artists” are creative?
Do you think you have to wait until you retire to enjoy your life?
Do you think that you can’t apply for that dream job because you don’t have the right degree?
Do you think only selfish people can be wealthy?
These kinds of limiting beliefs often hold us back from tapping into that wondrous place of passion and creation inside of us.
But when we are able to step back and observe these thoughts, we can discern if they are really true. And if they aren’t, well, this is where transformation begins.
Curious how changing one single belief can begin to change your whole life? Join the intimate Spark Your Heart, Ignite Your Life online coaching group. Details here!
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The Power of a Word
Every year I choose a single word as a compass, a guide, a solid reminder of what I want to manifest for myself. The word serves as a touchstone for me as I make choices through the year. I post the word in my bathroom and acknowledge it daily, asking myself “how can I be that today?”
The first year I chose the word BE. Because I was always planning, dreaming and imagining the future, I was rarely present where I was.
BE-ing was very uncomfortable.
It made me slow down and experience where I was, not where I wanted to be NEXT. It made me sit still and feel my emotions. I began a yoga practice and discovered that the simple act of breathing can calm me and bring me back to the here and now.
The next year my word was VULNERABILITY. I wanted to let go of control and open to things that I didn’t have the answers to. I was ready to feel what was uncomfortable and go even deeper.
I had so many opportunities during that year to practice this: with relationships, how I traveled, choosing to apply for a job that I didn’t get. And I had emergency open heart surgery. Talk about vulnerability and letting go of control. It was the most amazing gift of an experience to be in that space of pure vulnerability and realize how much I was loved and supported.
The following year I chose ASK as a reminder that, even though I had fully recovered, I didn’t have to do everything all by myself. I learned to ask for support, money, ideas, companionship.
More important, I learned that it’s not about having the answers but being able to ask bigger questions and opening to the silence that is larger than me for deep and true inspiration.
One year my word was INTEGRAYTION, intentionally spelled with the word gray in it because I wanted to let go of my extreme black and white thinking and live more in the grays. And I wanted to find ways to meld my two seemingly opposite work worlds together more, to let go of my all-or-nothing way of being.
A friend gifted me a beautiful necklace with the word stamped in silver and it was a lovely expression of further integrating my work with my personal life.
Two years my word was been EXPANSION. I wanted more space in my life. I wanted to show up bigger, both inside of myself and how I connect in the world. I wanted to open myself beyond what I already knew, to what else might be possible.
Expansion is all about breathing deeper and living at the edge of what is familiar and comfortable. And moving into that opened space with courage and intention and faith.
Of course I had many opportunities to do this last year: with my back and my grief and finally writing and publishing Heart Sparks. And, as scary as each activity was, when I came back to my word, I saw how saying YES completely supported my desire for expansion every time.
This past year was all about adventure and newness and courage and connections. Instead of narrowing it down to a single word, I took inspiration from Tinker Donnelly of Heartworks, who offered the idea of life being an expedition, a pilgrimage, a PASSAGE.
She created a wonderful acronym to reminds us what we need on any passage:
P= Preparedness: Equipping ourselves with appropriate “gear and tools” for the journey. Consistent and regular spiritual practices.
A= Adaptability: Accommodating the road and/or changing direction when conditions prompt doing so. Willingness to move beyond the parameters of personal agendas and expectations.
S= Spontaneity: Capitalizing on what is present and exercising resourcefulness. Confidence and creativity applied to the needs of the moment.
S= Single-mindedness: Trusting the direction of our inner compass. Setting course according to the ‘true north’ of our innate sense of purpose and values.
A= Availability: Maintaining receptivity and openness to all that is on our path. Authentically revealing and discovering Spiritual Truth, without defense or pretense.
G= Gratitude: Loving the journey. Appreciating the experience of each precious increment of unfolding Good and consciously recognizing the gifts of every experience.
E = Enthusiasm: Demonstrating energized creativity. En Theos – Living an inspired existence!
I loved how each of these words supported me as I ventured into the new year, ready to experience things I’d never felt or done before, ready for the unfolding PASSAGE.
And now, a year later, I see how powerful the word PASSAGE has been for me. I am truly, literally, standing on the other side of so many beliefs, dreams and circumstances.
I am still playing with words for this coming year: co-creation, expand, stretch, book it, richness, exhilaration. I’m contemplating how I want to FEEL, what work sparks my heart most, what assistance I need to keep that kind of fire burning. I’m also asking myself how I want to be living my life a year from now, what would support me on my journey and where am I willing to take the most risk.
What’s your word for this year?
You may come up with several. Take some time to discern the one that will best help you do and be this thing you are wanting.
How can using this word help you live a life you love?
Consider choosing a word that makes you uncomfortable, that will most clearly align you with who and what you are wanting to become.
Please share your word here on the blog so that we and the Universe can support you through the year!
[ssba]The Miracle of Light
This time of the year is all about the light. Chanukah is the Festival of Lights, commemorating the miracle of how the candles in the temple burned for eight nights, even though there was only enough oil to last for for one. Houses are decked in holiday lights. And Jesus was born under the light of the star of Bethlehem.
But in nature, this is the darkest time of the year.
And so we have to go inward to find our own light.
If we’re feeling confident, creative, appreciated, it’s pretty easy to tap into our own glowing goodness. We radiate love and compassion, for ourselves and others. And our shining light reflects on another person, creating an even bigger light.
But what about those other moments when sadness, frustration, even hopelessness overwhelm us?
Even if your light is not roaring in radiant flame, it is still burning. It may be just a tiny glow of an ember, but it is a spark for hope. It may be a faint flicker but it is alight because you are alive.
And really, all you need to do is fan the flame with a single spoken gratitude, the smallest of thank you’s and I promise you, the light will grow.
And when your light grows, the light around you grows. And suddenly, miraculously, you are no longer huddled in darkness. You are shining, radiating, basquing in the richest, truest light that is all of us.
May you find your light, know your light, and shine your light in the world.
“I honor the place in me where the entire universe resides.
I honor the place in me of love and light, truth and peace.
I honor the place in me where, when I am in that place in me, and you are in that place in you, then there is only one of us.”
~ translation of the word Namasté
How do you spark your own light? Please share by clicking on the Comments below.
[ssba]Creating New Traditions
I love listening to my friends share their holiday traditions. It’s fun to learn about the old family favorites and especially the ones they’ve invented and created in recent years.
Traditions are often customs and beliefs passed down from one generation to the next. Sometimes we don’t even remember why we do it, or when the tradition started.
This year, I invite you to create at least one new tradition for yourself or your family. It might be enjoying a new food at your holiday meal. Or going on an outing. Or volunteering your time.
Not sure how to come up with a new tradition? Ask your friends what they do. Ask your kids what they’d like to do.
Here are a few prompts to help you think about the traditions you follow.
Every year, I …………….
I do it because ……………
This year, I am doing it a little differently.
Instead of or, in addition to……………….. I am ………..
I’d love to read your ideas. Please share them by clicking the Comments link below.
The Gift of Receiving
Most of us love to give. There’s the thrill of finding that perfect something for someone, the fun of wrapping it, the joy of watching them open it with anticipation and delight. You know that great pleasure you feel when they are so happy with what they are receiving.
So if giving is so joyful and wonderful, why is receiving so difficult for some of us?
I don’t mean just receiving a tangible gift. Many of us are uncomfortable receiving a compliment, a pat on the back, a kind word about who we are.
My friend Joy works out at the gym, is happily taking care of her physical body. One day I commented on how slender and fit she looks. Instead of saying thank you, she minimized the compliment by saying “oh, black jeans just make you look thinner.”
Why is receiving a kind word so uncomfortable for some of us?
The other day I was having lunch at a favorite Thai restaurant. Two women, obviously friends, were sitting at the next table. I wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping on their conversation but when one friend offered to pay for lunch and the other put up her hand and said, “Oh, no, you don’t have to do that,” I had to butt in.
“Your friend just offered you a gift,” I said. “She’d love for you to just accept it and say thank you.” Caught off guard, the woman smiled at me and said, “You’re right.” She turned to her friend and graciously said “Thank you, that’s so sweet.”
Why are we so quick to say no thank you?
Maybe, instead of digging back to figure out the why, we can simply try a new way.
We can choose to simply accept the gift or compliment without giving in to those voices in our head saying “I’m not worth this, it’s not true, I don’t deserve this.”
We can open up and receive the joy of that person’s giving.
We can say thank you.
We can accept their gift with an open heart, a deserving heart, a worthy heart.
Several years ago I created a series of Blessing Bowls. Some were made from papier mache, others began as wooden bowls from thrift stores. Decorated with paint, beads and other founds materials, the Bowls held words like Peace, Breathe, Namasté, Success and Happiness. Several of the bowls contained the Lovingkindness Prayer.
The Blessing Bowls, designed to hang on the wall so that they wouldn’t be thoughtlessly filled with stuff collecting on a table, served as a constant and beautiful reminder to ask for what we want and need in our lives.
In this season of gift-giving, what gifts do you wish for yourself?
What do you need more of in your life?
What reminders do you need to help you stay focused on living the passionate and purposeful life you dream of?
A new gathering of Virtual Living Room Ladies will begin in January. The group is designed to help you discover what you truly need, what you deeply desire, and how to bring these ideas to life.
What a beautiful gift to give yourself this holiday season. Click here for all the details.
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