A Time For Thanks and Giving
image by Spirit Juice Studios
It’s that time of year when it’s easy to remember to be thankful. All of the turkey and ham commercials on television remind us to be grateful for what we have, and for the people in our lives.
But gratitude is an act for every day living, even without the festive meal. Click here for a great gratitude practice.
Still, this is a wonderful opportunity for me to say thank you to YOU, my loyal reader, for your enthusiasm, your support, and your open heart.
May this season bring you more ways to rest in your own heart and share your special gifts with those around you.
Hand in hand with being grateful is the self-less act of giving, of doing something simply to better someone else’s situation.
We can give our money, our time, our talents. We can donate our used items to an needy organization.
We can also give with simple acts of kindness.
- Open the door for a stranger
- Let someone go in front of you in line at the supermarket
- Check on an elderly neighbor
- Smile at every single person you pass, even the person asking for money
- Say thank you and graciously receive when someone offers to pay your way
- Give your partner or your child or your friend your full attention
- Pick up the litter on your neighbor’s lawn
- Wave someone into your lane in busy traffic
- Give someone a genuine compliment
- Call someone you haven’t talked with in a long time
I’d love to hear your ideas for giving. You can post them below by clicking on the Comments.
[ssba]How to Make Any Decision – Take the PING or CLUNK Test
For many months after my open heart surgery, I felt things in my heart. Sometimes it was a fluttery feeling, sometimes a buzzing. Sometimes it was just an awareness of some kind of physical sensation. The doctors explained that it was just the nerves healing and that it would subside over time.
I especially noticed the sensations when I was feeling emotional or excited. It was like I had a special gauge in my body that physically reflected what was happening in my mind. It was odd, but kind of cool to actually FEEL my emotions right in my heart.
Several months ago I was doing an exercise with a stranger in a life coaching class and we had to stand as close to each other as we felt comfortable. I felt that buzzing sensation in my heart at the exact moment that I knew I was close enough. My heart sent a signal to my mind and I felt it.
I think everyone can tune in to this feeling in their heart. You may not feel an actual sensation, but you will connect to a strong sense of knowing. It just takes paying attention, connecting to your deeper self, and really listening for those tiny signals.
Here’s a great tool to begin to tap into your own heart’s signals. It’s called the PING or CLUNK test.
Whenever I am faced with a choice or a decision, I ask myself, does it feel like a PING or a CLUNK.
A PING makes my heart sing. I feel excitement, joy, an overwhelming desire to say YES. And I might even feel a little buzz in my heart.
A CLUNK feels like a heavy weight. It is joyless and unexciting. Words like dread, discomfort and obligation usually accompany a CLUNK.
The PING or CLUNK Test is a sure-fire system for discerning where I want to give of myself and my energy.
I only do things that are a PING. I say no to anything that is a CLUNK. The more I live from this place of my singing, pinging heart, the happier I am, and the more I am able to show up in the world, ready to give and connect and share with others.
The next time you have a choice or decision to make, ask yourself, is it a PING or a CLUNK. I’m pretty sure the answer will come quickly and clearly.
Then you’ll just have to choose whether you will follow what your heart is telling you.
[ssba]Why It’s Good to (Sometimes) Be Selfish
All around me people are rushing and hurrying, taking care of people and things and the heavy worlds on their shoulders.
And they are tired and cranky and wondering why all of this giving and doing doesn’t feel very good.
Maybe because they are tired. Sore. Overwhelmed.
Maybe because they are forgetting to take care of themselves….
When did the word “selfish” get such a bad rap? When did it become a negative thing to take care of our own needs?
Isn’t taking care of ourselves crucial to our well-being? Isn’t self-care the way we stay healthy and able to give and care for others?
What if we embraced the idea that it’s OK to put our own needs first sometimes?
Imagine how rejuvenated and recharged you might feel…….
So many of my clients tell me that their biggest challenge is finding time for themselves. Not just finding time, but JUSTIFYING the NEED for time for themselves.
They tell me that it is so easy to do for others, to take care of everyone else, but that, when it comes to claiming any space for their own interests or needs, they feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and undeserved-ness and inability to make it happen.
Scheduling time for yourself is as important as scheduling everything else you have to do.
Self-Care is as important as doing the laundry, going to work, walking the dog.
When we take care of ourselves, we are more willing and able to give and care for others.
And yet it is so easy to get so busy with all other things and other people’s needs that we neglect our own.
I attend a weekly yoga class. For 90 minutes each week I give myself the opportunity to gather with like-minded people, practice breathing and stretching, and tune out the noise of everything else in my life and turn inward.
For several weeks during the summer I was so busy with work things that I took my yoga classes off of my calendar. It is no surprise that I was suddenly cranky, stiff and feeling overwhelmed with everything. The week I went back to class, I immediately felt balance and calm and clarity again.
Scheduling activities in our calendar is the key to getting things done. When we create the space and time for things that are important to us, we can actually do them.
So how do you take care of yourself? Do you even give yourself permission to?
Here’s a powerful Worksheet from the Living Room Ladies that can help you re-define what being selfish means to and give you a new way to create some much-deserved ME time in your daily life.
DID YOU KNOW??
In addition to writing this blog, I also lead workshops, retreats, and small coaching circles for women over 50 who are in transition–in their relationships, jobs, living situations, roles in life, or just in an in-between place in life.
Living Outside the Box
We’ve all heard the phrase “think outside the box”, but before you can begin to think or live outside the box, it helps to know what that means. For each of us the answer will be different.
QUESTIONS:
What does living inside the box mean to you?
It could mean feeling stuck or bored. It might mean doing what is expected of you. Maybe inside the box is predictable, what you always do. Inside the box could be playing it safe, staying where it is easy, comfortable.
What does living outside the box mean to you?
Is it pushing your limits? Is it taking more risks, leaping into the unknown? Maybe it is doing the same thing, but differently. Maybe it’s eating at a new restaurant. Maybe it is moving your sofa to the other side of the room.
Think about your own answers and write them down. Writing things down gives power to your thoughts. And writing requires effort, commitment, taking the time to find your pen and paper.
Complete these sentences, being as descriptive and vivid as possible. Write several sentences for each.
Living inside the box, I am…….
Living inside the box I feel……..
Living outside the box I am…….
Living outside the box I feel……….
Are there some surprises in your answers? Please share in the comments below.
[ssba]Seeing Through the Heart
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Recently, a coaching client was having trouble seeing the amazing shifts in her life. She could only see that she is still at the same job, her house is not remodeled, the yard is still not planted.
I asked her to look with her heart, instead of her eyes.
Suddenly she could see so many changes in herself, her environment, how she is showing up in the world. She realized that she is not reacting at work, that she is engaging more with her live-in father-in-law. She is so aware of how much more balance she feels in her moods and her body.
Big changes happen INSIDE first.
It’s as if we must rebuild from the ground up.
Often, when we are ready for change, we first have to redefine our priorities, we need to get clear about our values. We must create space for ourselves in order for changes to grow.
And of course, this takes time.
And work.
And faith.
And it takes stepping back from what we see on the surface and looking INSIDE, with our heart, to see that our true self is changing.
I’d love to hear your comments.
[ssba]When Things Don’t Turn Out the Way You Expect Them To
I remember the first time I offered a free tele-seminar call, where I announced a new online Master Coaching program. My vision was clear and powerful: people would listen to the call, get as excited about the content as I am, feel incredibly inspired and deliriously motivated and the class would fill within the first week.
But that didn’t happen.
Sure, people listened to the call. But not a single person signed up for the program.
And I was devastated.
How could I put so much effort and love into a thing and not have it turn out the way I expected?
I wallowed for a few days in the disappointment. I knew I did a good job. I knew I was offering an amazing program. (Fortunately, I never went down the self-deprecating path telling myself that the tele-seminar sucked, or that I wasn’t a good coach.)
But I did wonder if I should just give up on the whole Spark the Heart thing and focus all of my efforts and attentions on my Mac training, since that’s where more of my success happens.
And then I talked with friends. I shared my bruised heart with my coach. And I came back to remembering that nothing is ever all or nothing.
I remembered that it is a gift that I have two very different businesses that bring my joy and allow me to serve others. I remembered that it is precisely the success of my Mac training that offers me the opportunity to also grow this new and passionate other business.
And, like everything, it will take time.
When things don’t go the way we hope, it’s OK to feel disappointment. It’s OK to retreat for a bit. In fact, it’s a wonderful thing to step aside for a while so you can regain some perspective.
When you step back from the disappointment, you give your ego a chance to heal.
And then you’re able to ask yourself bigger questions without judgment, like:
What did work?
What could I do differently?
How important is this?
Is there a bigger clue here for me?
This past month I announced a new Virtual Living Room Ladies Coaching Circle. I was so excited to gather another intimate group and do some amazing exploring and growing together. But not a single person signed up.
I was certainly disappointed.
But I have accepted that this isn’t the time for that kind of work.
And so, once again, I am stepping back to see what’s working and how best I can serve the people I work with. And I am letting go of expectations and opening to a bigger vision of what I am here to be and do.
I’d love to hear your comments. Share them by clicking the Comments below.
[ssba]Decision. A Matter For the Heart
image by dreamtime.com
Some decisions are easy. You know you want to or don’t want to do something and it’s clear and simple and done.
Other decisions require more thought and contemplation because the answer isn’t as clear-cut.
Maybe you take out a piece of paper and write the PROs on one list and the CONs on the other. Maybe you ask your friends and family for their input. Often, writing it all down brings clarity.
But sometimes, all of that thinking only muddles the issue.
I remember the night I needed to decide if I was going to continue working with my amazing coach in 2011. My list of PROs and CONs was evenly matched. There were just as many reasons to say YES as there were not to.
I was so overwhelmed with having to choose that I couldn’t sleep. And the lack of sleep led to a head cold.
Have you ever tried to make a decision when you felt like your head was submerged in a fish bowl?
But that’s exactly what I needed. To NOT be able to think my way to the decision. But instead, to FEEL my way to it.
When I was able to stop trying to figure it out and go deep into my heart, the answer became clear.
Shifting our focus from rational thinking to creative intuition will always lead us to the right choice.
A client recently needed to make a choice and all of the thinking was driving her crazy. Since she didn’t have a head cold, I suggested she find an activity that took her out of her head. She immediately realized she needed to go PAINT. A few days later she reported that she had new clarity and had made a decision that felt really good and right.
Short of getting a head cold, how can you move from your head to your heart?
• Take a long walk in nature.
• Pull out your paints and follow the colors and shapes on the canvas.
• Tear images from a magazine and see what tickles your fancy.
• Roll down a hill (with or without a child.)
• Go dancing or biking or hiking or skating.
• Take a nap.
I’d love to hear your experiences. You can share them below by clicking on the Comments button.
[ssba]Wherever You Go, There You Are…
I’ve settled into the rhythm here: the daily walks up and down the hill to the beach, the weekly trip to the farmers market for sourdough bread and fresh, ready fruit, and the quiet evenings sitting outside with Cody as the sun goes down over the big hills.
Against that steady, comfortable rhythm, I have become very aware of the places where I am oh, so uncomfortable.
I did not think that, living across the street from the beach, I’d be bored and lonely and spending much of my time posting comments on FaceBook. But, like Jon-Kabat-Zinn wrote, “wherever you go, there you are”….and all of your challenges come with you…
We think that if we just had this, or did that, or lived here, then life will suddenly be easy and perfect and magical. HA! We forget that the one variable that is part of the equation is still our own self. That, until we change our core beliefs and behaviors, we will be confronted with the same challenges we struggled with before this or that or here.
Case in point:
When I lived in my bungalow in Phoenix, I was a workaholic. When I was able to close the lid of my laptop and not rush to answer emails after business hours, I sat in my Ethan Allan recliner and perused the internet and watched hours of television. I swore that, when I lived in a cooler place, I’d walk more and veg out less.
Well, here I am, living at the beach of my dreams and I am still a workaholic and I still choose television and the internet when I want to escape. Sure, I’m walking more often, sometimes five or six jaunts a day. But I haven’t changed my essential behavior of tuning out if I’m not working.
Yet, what I’d REALLY like to be doing is deeply connecting with real people, live, in color, not just virtual friends on FaceBook. I didn’t do this in Phoenix and I’m not doing it now.
Why not?
I could make a list of “reasons,” but really, I know they are just excuses. And so I need to do some deeper asking.
What am I afraid of?
Why am I REALLY not making the effort to get out of my own space, my own self, my own limitations?
What if I DID?
What do I have to lose? More important, what might I gain?
It’s not that I don’t talk with people. In fact, I’m very friendly out in the world. I enjoy the banter with my neighbors and the pleasant exchanges with the woman who rings up my groceries. But I don’t know how to connect with people who I might develop deeper friendships with. And this is what I crave the most.
Because what I’m looking for is less about company and more about intimacy.
I know it has nothing to do with where I live or even the weather outside. It’s all about how I show up, and how much I am truly willing to risk without expectation when I do.
My mother used to tell me, you meet your real friends doing what you love to do. And, if I look at how I connected with my closest friends, it was through yoga, through writing, or meeting friends of friends.
So this week I am trying a new yoga class and attending a kirtan, a sacred call and response chanting circle. Both are favorite heart centered activities that will give me opportunities to connect more spiritually and compassionately with others and with myself.
And in the midst of it all, I continue to remind myself to have patience, that this is a journey, and that this is deep stuff I am working through. And that I am in a beautiful place to be opening up to my beautiful self.
How do you hold yourself back? What do you crave the most? Please share your own story by clicking on the Comments below.
[ssba]Circus Yoga: Learning To Fly
Circus Yoga logo by Kristin Mele Bortles
Community.
Collaboration.
The power of a group.
These are some of my favorite concepts.
It’s more than the idea that one hundred people working together can accomplish more than a single person.
What excites me about collaboration is the energy and power of diverse people coming together with different skills, different ideas and different ways of expressing themselves and joining together for a single cause.
Last week I participated in a CIRCUS YOGA class.
What drew me to the class were the words
fun, community, collaboration.
Too often, we think that, in order to connect to our hearts, we have to do it alone.
Sure, there are some things we need to do alone. Silent meditation, solo retreats and solitary adventures all help us find our unique power and vulnerability.
When we work with others, we connect into much larger energy. We can enjoy the benefits of other people’s strengths and lean into our own vulnerability. We can let go of our need to “do it all” and control everything, knowing that someone else is there to support us, guide us and carry the weight.
So when I saw the announcement for this Circus Yoga class, I was excited, curious and I thought, YES! I’m in.
And immediately I heard all of my excuses in my head:
“It’s a Friday night, I’ll be too tired.”
“I have to teach a class the next morning.”
I looked at the website and saw people of all ages, connected in a circle, juggling, standing in human pyramids, and I thought, “Yes, that DOES look fun!”
And then more voices:
“I’m too big to be lifted.”
“I’m not strong enough to be a base support on the bottom.”
“What if I can’t breathe?”
One thing I know about myself is that, what I resist most is the thing I need to do. It’s where my biggest growth can happen.
And so I calmed myself, reminding myself that I could take a nap that afternoon if I needed to. That, even if I wasn’t able to participate in every activity, just BEING there, being a part of the community experience would be wonderful.
And in that brave and clear space, I signed up for the class.
There were 22 of us, aged 8 to 80. The 80 year old had recently learned how to fly on a trapeze at her grandkid’s summer camp. There was an older man who couldn’t touch his toes. There were slender and strong yoga instructors and several older-than-me women who practice regularly.
But I wasn’t intimidated or second guessing my being there. I was proud and glad that I had chosen to come and I was ready for whatever the evening presented.
We began in a circle, sitting on the floor, cross-legged. We used our neighbor’s bodies for support as we leaned left and right, stretching and sighing, twisting and reaching.
We paired up with partners, mirroring each other’s movements, moving so slowly, in unison, until we no longer perceived a leader or a follower.
We pushed with sticks and pulled with ropes, creating silent conversations of trust between our bodies.
And then Erin, one of the Circus Yoga leaders asked, “Who’s never flown before?”
I raised my hand, assuming it was just an information seeking question. But really, she was seeing who she might pick to demonstrate a partner-supported pose.
She chose a lean, strong, flexible woman with a yogi name. Erin laid on her back the the floor and the yogi stepped her feet around her, following Erin’s directions. She tucked, she breathed, Erin placed her feet at the yogi’s thigh creases and the yogi breathed again, allowing Erin to lift her. She raised up, long, lean, effortless.
Seeing the yogi suspended over Erin’s body, I remembered doing this as a kid, my father holding me by the hands, lifting my body in the air with his legs and me giggling and laughing.
The yogi relaxed her head and her body got longer, the backs of her palms rested on the floor. Erin moved her legs, flying the yogi slightly forward, then returning to center, the yogi’s body still folded over her legs.
They held the pose for several minutes, the yogi completely relaxed. And then she retucked, refolded, leaned in and stood up, saying she felt so energized and tall.
And then Erin asked, “Who else wants to try?”
I don’t remember raising my hand, but she called my name. And I was thrilled. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t worried that she wouldn’t be able to lift me. I was so opened and ready and trusting.
Erin laid back on the floor and I stood with my feet next to her hips. She placed her feet just below my thigh creases and we breathed in together, connecting. Conspiring, she called it. Another breath in and she tucked her knees in as I folded toward her. Exhaling, I rested my hands on her shins.
I folded forward, eyes closed, my head toward her heart, and then I was up in the air, the weight of my body so stable on her legs, her hands gently supporting my shoulders.
I heard someone say that my hands weren’t touching the floor.
Erin guided me to spread my own legs in a wider V and I felt my body release and relax, the backs of my palms now resting on the floor. Erin’s hands were no longer holding my shoulders and I let go even deeper, breathing into all of the space within me and around me.
In that moment, I wasn’t the biggest woman in the room. I wasn’t the woman with tight hips and asthma. In that moment I was strong. I was vulnerable. I was flying.
Working with others can teach us so much about ourselves.
Just showing up, open and receptive, can present us with the most amazing opportunities for opening our hearts.
For more information about Circus Yoga and how you can join in on the fun, visit www.circusyoga.com
How do you connect to community? What have you gained from being a part of a collaboration? Please share your stories by clicking on the Comments below.
[ssba]How to Woo Your Creative Self
thrift store finds
I have been back at the beach for three weeks and I hear myself chastising my writer self, “Why haven’t you started writing your book proposal yet! You created this space and your wasting time!”
I tell myself it’s only been here three weeks, that I needed to acclimate, settle in. And that I had a big Mac course to launch and begin.
Still, I am having trouble getting started.
So I have been listening to Elizabeth Gilbert’s Magic Lessons Podcasts. For those of you who aren’t familiar, Gilbert wrote Eat, Pray, Love, and has just published a new book, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear.
In one of Gilbert’s podcasts, she is talking with a woman who is stuck in her writing. Gilbert invites the woman to have an affair with her writing, to keep it secret and sneaky and exciting, to counter how open and generous she is with everything else in her daily life.
The energy of a sneaking around affair didn’t resonate with me, but I loved the idea of growing a new relationship with myself, to woo my creative self back into the spotlight. Not just the writer in me, but also the board game lover, the conceptual artist, the hill-roller and the hunter of old junk whose heart skips beats when I find that special something that can become something else.
And when I pull my focus back even further, I can see that my deep longing for new relationships and friendships is really so much about my relationship with my creative self.
No wonder I have been feeling such lack and lowness and emptiness.
So on Saturday I took myself into Morro Bay and checked out two thrift stores – one of my favorite things to do. Except I’ve been denying myself the delight for the last four years because I kept telling myself that I have no space in the RV to collect potential art supplies.
But on Saturday I changed that story and I had such fun poking through the pile of office supplies, scavenging though the back corner shelves of hardware and plumbing parts. I even bought a few things and, of course, I found a place in the RV to store them.
I am noticing that everything I am choosing these days is calling to my creative self to wake up, step up and come back to living.
Which is why I am going to Santa Cruz next month to attend Gilbert’s Big Magic book signing event. This is something I never would have done before the Heart Sparks Road Trip, but a whispering voice in me made it happen. I contacted a Facebook friend who lives there and she got our tickets so we can go together. I found a campsite in the Redwoods so that I can bring Cody and leave him in comfort, and the event has turned into a full-out adventure.
And this week I am heading up to the Asilomar Conference Center in Pacific Grove, CA to reconnect with the amazing community that is Patti Digh’s Life Is a Verb Camp. It’s a camp for adults that focuses on Community, Creativity, Courage and Compassion. I attended two years ago outside of Atlanta and have marveled at the connections I’ve made from and since then. So many of the people I met on the Heart Sparks Tour were directly related to Camp. No wonder my creative self can’t wait to be enveloped in all of that energy again.
I almost didn’t register for camp because of the cost. But my friend Frannie reminded me, “You are investing in something bigger and it costs money to do this – you are worth it and you have continual signs that you are where you are supposed to be right now. Keep trusting the process dear friend.”
And so I am. Because if I don’t honor my creative self, it will keep calling me, showing up as feelings of less than and not enough. But when I re-connect to those feelings of delight and aliveness, all kinds of things can change.
How do you woo your Creative Self?
What does she love to do?
How does she like to move and play?
What are her favorite foods?
What would tickle her and delight her?
Where would you take her on a date?
Please share in the comments below!
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