Note: I wrote this in December, 2012, three months after I moved to the beach in California. I share it today because the themes are the same today as I navigate my way on the Heart Sparks Road Tour.
“This is the place of creative incubation. At first, you may find nothing happens there. But, if you have a sacred place and use it, take advantage of it, something will happen.” Joseph Campbell
With all of the posts and photos of me in this beautiful dream-come-true life, I have friends writing, asking me how am I REALLY doing. And I have to admit, every day is not a walk on the beach. Well, on one hand it is, because Laddy and I do walk on the beach at least once every day. But some days I’m not as willing or able to enjoy the beauty of the walk.
My original vision that got me here is not the life I want to live. This is the only thing I know. I don’t know what I do want, or how I want to be serving in a bigger way. And this not knowing can be mighty uncomfortable.
Some days my focus shifts to how hard it is to live in a place where I don’t know many people. Some days I wonder if this is really the place for me. Some days I feel so lost without a true direction, a solid plan, a clear answer to what I’m doing here.
And when it gets really uncomfortable, I scan Craigslist, thinking that finding a house will solve my troubles.
And then I breathe and laugh at myself, and see how easy it is for me to think that doing something else will alleviate the real feelings. Sure it will, for a time. But, bottom line, I need to feel what I’m feeling and dive even deeper into the discomfort to find ways to be OK with it. Only then will I move through and find myself on the other side.
When I’m able to step back and then in again, I see what a gift I am giving myself, living here with very few obligations, commitments, stressors. I don’t have to work 40 hours a week, my rent is affordable and the view is fantastic.
I have created this amazing opened space to dream new dreams, discover new why’s and really fall in love with myself and my life.
And so each week I engage in some new activity and do something to connect with people who enjoy what I enjoy. I went to a yoga and writing workshop. I attended an amazing kirtan concert. I even feasted at an all-you-can-eat crab feed.
And each experience sheds some light into the unknown, sparks a dream I have forgotten, reminds me what I do love to do.
Every day I watch the tide roll in, all the way up to the rocks, then retreat back into the ocean. Clouds gather in the sky, hiding the sun, then spread and float, breaking into blue. I know this is the rhythm of living, up and down, in and out. And I know that when I come back to here, this moment, this single in breath and out breath, I am exactly where I need to be and that I have everything I need.
And so each day, my focus is simply to pay attention. To notice the beauty around me and follow the energy of each moment. To sleep if I am tired and walk when I feel stuck. To feed myself what I am craving and seek out companionship when I am lonely. To laugh at my old patterns and catch myself when I feel the impulse to run. To lean deeper into being still and uncomfortable and keep breathing, feeling my way through. Only then will I hear the whisper of new questions and be willing to follow them to discover the answers.
How do you move through the uncomfortable? I’d love for you to share your experience by clicking on the Comments below.
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